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I had an interesting conversation with another alcoholic recently where he referenced The Promises, and it dawned on me that I never wanted any of them until I did. Let me explain.
I put a link into the written version of this newsletter where you can go read the whole thing. I’ll just summarize The Promises by saying that they can be found on pages 83-84 of the Big Book, and they lay out all the things that many, many alcoholics have found to come true if you work a very strong sober program. It’s stuff like peace, not regretting the past but also not shutting the door on it. It says, “We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.”
The thing that that conversation brought up for me is that I didn’t really ever want any of that stuff. Not as a kid, not as a college student, not as a 25-year-old. Serenity? No fear of financial insecurity? That my experiences could benefit others? That I would want to avoid self-pity? No way. In fact, I think if you grabbed 25-year-old me, I would have actively said that those kinds of goals are weak and silly and too hippy-dippy.
I always thought I wanted an awesome girlfriend, a giant house, lots of professional success and accolades, money, good looks. I specifically relied upon accolades to find fulfillment; I needed you to think I was great in order for me to think it. Those were my Promises, and I ultimately got in over my head with alcohol and drugs and had to be brought to my knees to fully realize how empty those things are.
I’m not sure why I had a mini epiphany the other day when that came up. I think it has something to do with my kids getting old enough now that we talk quite a bit about what they want to be when they grow up. They always answer that they want to be a teacher and have two kids and live in Connecticut but travel a lot… the same way that I never thought about emotional intelligence or that the root of good self-esteem is doing esteemable acts, they’re not, either. They’re thinking job, geography, money, etc.
So it hit me that one of the gifts of The Promises is that they exist as a goal set that has taken precedent over fame and fortune for me. Do I always have The Promises come true every day? Definitely not. But they do always come true as the starting point for what I want to be when I grow up.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
HEARD AT MEETINGS
"I knew I'd had a spiritual awakening when I realized I was sober and happy at the same time."
(Credit: Grapevine, February 2008, by Vance G. of Washington, DC)
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I never wanted The Promises