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I belong to Anytime Fitness, and my gym does a pretty cool thing every week. The manager has a group of adults from a facility for men living with cognitive disabilities come in and clean up around the gym.
I always see the guys cleaning, and they bust their asses. So does their chaperone. They really take the job seriously and it’s such a cool thing to see.
I had the idea recently to let them know that they are appreciated. I bought a thank you card and a $25 Starbucks gift card and gave it to them earlier this week. You should have seen their faces. They just absolutely lit up—both guys from the facility, as well as the guy who brings them (I’ll call him Dave). I told them all that the people at the gym really appreciate all three of them.
Dave came over to me twice and said how much my gift had meant to him and the guys. I gotta admit, I felt great. I felt like I had done a nice thing that got several compliments and was much appreciated, and I loved it.
I also will admit that I really enjoy that kind of thing, and that I have to keep an eye on that. It’s definitely a high, though it might be the most acceptable way to try to boost your mood. I had to step back and think about my motive. Was it to do a nice thing for someone? Or was it to do a nice thing and get a nice pat on the back while doing it?
Hmm, I think the answer is the second one. I think I really, genuinely wanted that crew to know that they are doing a great job. But I also think I would have been really bummed out if Dave had said, “Thanks,” and just walked away.
That’s the part the situation that is a little bothersome. My sober program has taught me that expectations are very tricky, because they are absolutely a part of the human experience but also something to keep an eye on. Who among us doesn’t give someone a birthday gift and then not get agitated if that person doesn’t bother getting you one? I guess in an ideal world, I only ever do things that are the right thing to do regardless of any benefit to myself. But… geez, come on.
I’m not going to beat myself up about catching myself looking forward to a positive response to an act of generosity. I would take that on my tombstone, for sure. I just need to make sure that a) I am spiritually fit enough to be ok with getting a response that isn’t up to my standards and b) that I am trying to give out $25 gift cards all day to make myself feel worthwhile—that doesn’t really seem sustainable, does it?
Looking back, I think I’m fine with the way things went. I think if the reaction to my gift had been more subdued, I would have moved on with my day and still felt good about it. I’ve done things like that in the past and not dwelled on the feedback being a giant parade. But… who doesn’t love a big parade in their honor?
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
"I was so sick when I was new, at one point I asked another guy in my home group if I could copy his Fourth Step."
(Credit: Grapevine, by Michael K. of Haverhill, Massachusetts)
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Giving is receiving