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Have you seen the social media conversation about whether 100 people could defeat 1 gorilla? If you’re lucky, you have no idea what I am talking about because it’s one of the dumbest conversations in human history.
But if you’re me, you’ve spent way too much time thinking about it and now have a theory that you believe wholeheartedly and would defend against 100 people and a gorilla if you tried to argue. I know I’m right.
OK, here we go. First of all, I have some credibility on the topic because I wrestled my whole life and also spent quite a few years getting into skirmishes as a drunken idiot during my addiction days. Obviously, this makes me an alcoholic brawler black belt.
Let’s start with the criteria for this exercise. I am considering this scenario as if the gorilla were an adult male in peak physical condition. In fact, I’m going to just assume we got the best and brightest and meanest gorilla in the entire jungle for this exercise.
Now, I am going to ask for the same in return. If you are telling me that we have to just go to Walmart and grab 100 dudes from the aisles for this, I think the humans have no chance. Even if you told me we could grab a college football roster of 100 big, strong dudes, I still think the gorilla would be favored. And I actually think if you went to a gym and collected the 100 biggest, strongest, most fit dudes, I’d definitely take the gorilla.
But if you let me grab the right mix of 100 people, I believe that the gorilla would lose. I’m not sure it would even be close.
I’d want 100 people who a) are in good shape but a mix of physical skills, b) are able to work together and apply a strategy and c) have no fear about surviving the fight.
On the first point, I think you want good strength but also very good stamina. The best way to defeat a large animal is to wear it out with constant probing attacks from various angles. That’s how hyenas eventually tire out lions and other animals, and that’s what my team would need to do.
On the second point, I think you’d want about 20 small, fast guys to be the first wave. They’d go at the gorilla and then retreat, then go again, from all angles around the gorilla. Then I think you’d want to send in about 20 very strong, big guys to put a hurting on the gorilla. Then I think you’d want another wave of 20 small, fast guys to again try to gas out the gorilla for a few minutes. Then I think you have two waves of a mix of mid-size and big guys to end the fight. I actually don’t know that you’d need that last batch of 40 people because I think if the first 60 last 10-plus minutes, that gorilla is going to be completely wiped out. The people win.
On the third point, it would have to be a team that cares about each other but not much else. If we have moms and dads in there, I think there’d be a strong pull to survive for others rather than fight it out. You’d need a zero percent chance that people start turning and running for the exits. With that in mind, I think your best bet would be some kind of military unit of 100 to line up and be willing to duke it out. I’ve heard some people say you could take 100 prisoners and promise them freedom if they won, but I’m not sure you could herd those cats into a cohesive unit that will fight for each other.
So to summarize: I’m pretty sure the humans win pretty easily if the group of 100 is anything close to what I said. I even do think you could probably take a college football roster of 100 bros and have a pretty good chance if they are willing to be coached in this ridiculous exercise.
All right, so enough of that very morbid scenario of mayhem and animal cruelty. I actually hope we never get a firm answer on that, though I’m sure some renegade reality TV show producer is putting together a pitch right now.
The reason I am writing about this on a sober newsletter is because I recently had a stretch where I just didn’t do enough recovery stuff. I did some. But not enough. And I found myself surrounded by fear, anxiety, resentment, irritation and a bunch of other risky emotions. It felt like 1 human against 10 angry gorillas, which is what sobriety can sometimes feel like. Without alcohol to numb it all out, I really need to always figure out how to ask for help, how to be vulnerable and how to feel emotions, especially when they pile up.
And they do pile up, don’t they? When I’m worried about money, I often find myself arguing with my boss, yelling at my kids and prepping my middle finger for use on the roadways. It’s a collision of powerful, uncomfortable emotions—sort of like 10 gorillas coming at me from all different angles!
The cool thing about that scenario in recovery is that I have 100-plus phone numbers of people in recovery who will show up for me. So I know I have those gorillas outnumbered.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
Friday night at the convention, two police officers watched as thousands of alcoholics streamed toward the stadium, singing, laughing, and shouting.
“Isn’t AA marvelous?” exclaimed the first officer. “Here are all these alcoholics, and not one of them is drinking!”
“Yes” replied the second, eyeing the crowd a little nervously. “Let’s just hope it keeps working until Sunday.”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, October 2000, Anonymous from Minneapolis, Minnesota)
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