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I was at a meeting the other night when we read from page 66 of the Big Book, where deep resentments are addressed. It’s remarkable how aggressive the language is in that section. We’re told that deep resentments lead us to drink, and to drink is to die. We’re told deep resentments are poison that cause us to waste years of our lives.
It’s a big contrast with other sections of sober literature, which I have found to be quite gentle in discussing character defects and other bad behaviors. Our sober founding fathers and mothers were aggressive in telling us that we absolutely cannot afford resentments.
But I was struck by the specific use of the phrase “deep resentment.” To me, deep resentments are absolutely poison, and are probably reserved for some of the more serious people, places and things in our lives. In my head, deep resentments refer to ex-wives and ex-husbands, moms and dads, etc. I don’t consider someone who took your parking spot at the grocery store or didn’t email you back fast enough to qualify as a deep resentment.
However, I must say that I also realized something else. It’s certainly bad to have one deep resentment devouring you. But I also think that 10 small resentments equal or surpass one deep resentment. And I would argue a bunch of small resentments might be more dangerous because we often underestimate small, petty annoyances.
Think about it this way. What’s riskier, a deep resentment against a former boyfriend or girlfriend who dumped you? Or being mad yesterday at a driver who cut you off, at your kid for getting an F on a big test, at your neighbor for having loud construction done, at the garbage crew for knocking your can over, at your mail guy for letting a package get wet, at a coworker for calling you out at a meeting, at the local weather person for being way off on their forecast… you probably see where this is going.
I think all of those little brushfires add up to at least as much as one big fire. I have days where I am not irate and don’t yell at anybody, but I am constantly annoyed, constantly balling up my fists and cursing somebody out in my brain. I usually think about each one of these little skirmishes as too small to bring up with a sponsor or at a meeting. But the reality is, I am boiling hot for long stretches of the day about stuff that I deemed petty. That may not be a deep resentment, but it’s a terrible headspace to be in. It’s just one long stretch of being aggravated and not present in life.
The answer is probably to make sure I am doing daily maintenance things. So many of these little brushfires are better prevented preemptively rather than after you scream at the old guy at the grocery store who didn’t return his shopping cart. When I am spiritually fit and serene, I’m not doing that.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
Welcome to AA
I was in a meeting when I was new and a fellow was being disruptive. Several AAs asked him to leave and walked him out, saying, "Keep coming back!" I asked why they said that after making him leave. They said, "When he comes back, we want him to feel welcome."
(Credit: Grapevine, by Kay K. of Redondo Beach, California, September 2009)
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