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I heard someone speak the other day about the best way to approach a new person at a meeting. He was saying how many times he has seen people come on a little too strong, and I have seen similar situations. His suggestion was to always remember that if someone isn’t ready to get sober, you can’t talk them into it. So don’t try.
But I haven’t seen much of what he was talking about. Honestly, in my experience, I have seen 99 percent positive, appropriate handshakes and introductions after meetings. I’m talking about men talking to newcomer men, and women talking to newcomer women. I am not including any 13th step stuff that I have observed because that is an entirely different category—in my opinion, there’s no gray area with that. Don’t do it. If you see it happening, step in. I’ve seen people be overly friendly toward new members of the opposite sex, and it just shouldn’t happen. I have no business getting the contact info of a woman who has a month sober.
Ok, let me get off my high horse for a minute and get back on topic. Which is: What is the most spiritual way to approach a newcomer? Should I approach a newcomer at all? Or is it better to write your phone number down when they pass around meeting lists and leave it at that?
I have quite a bit of experience answering that question multiple ways. I used to be pretty aggressive in introducing myself to newcomers. I’d go up and say hello, ask them a little about themselves and exchange numbers. I often would get their number and call them before they ever called me.
I also had a period where I was doing that, plus also keeping tabs on seeing them at meetings or hearing from them. I’d occasionally say to a guy, “How have you been? I haven’t heard from you. Did your phone break?” It was always mild ribbing about working a good program, and nobody ever seemed bothered by it. I had one new guy who I used to constantly bust his chops about showing up at 7:10 for 7 pm meetings, and he’d always smile. He eventually said he was thankful for that because he started getting to meetings on time more often.
I don’t do that any more. It’s not because I think it is bad. I just decided over the years to introduce myself once, give them my number if they want it, and if I never hear from them, I’m fine with that. I hope they are sober however they are able to get sober, and it doesn’t have to involve me. I also decided that nobody elected me Sheriff of Sobertown, so I don’t need to goof on anybody for not getting to meetings that I am at. I mind my own business a little more.
Is that the right approach? I don’t know. That’s the real answer—I don’t know. Only our higher powers know what the best way for any single person to get sober and stay sober. I think it depends on the person and the situation—there’s definitely a vibe you need to pay attention to. If someone is hiding in the back and doesn’t share, maybe don’t circle them up and start pestering for contact info. Let them ease into it. If someone approaches me and wants my number, I feel like that is an opportunity to be a little more outspoken. I just had it happen recently and I told the guy, “I want to hear from you in the next week,” and I did. I felt like the guy really wanted to have some accountability thrown his way.
I guess my short answer to a complex question is… it’s different in every situation. I do think you’re better off being too gentle than too aggressive; I’d never want to chase somebody off. So I think I want to do what someone told me a long time ago, which is: Any time you reach your hand out, I will grab it. But if you don’t reach out your hand, I won’t come looking for it.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
After I shared euphorically at a meeting about how my life had been transformed since I joined AA, an old-timer leaned over and whispered, "When your cup runneth over, looketh out!"
(Credit: Grapevine, April 2008, by Anonymous)
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The after-meeting meetings