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Let me give you a sober scenario about gossip. I went to a meeting recently where the topic was how hurtful gossip can be, and it really got me thinking about what the definition of gossip is, why it’s so appealing but yet toxic and what I can do avoid participating in it.
I’m making up this scenario, including the names. Here goes:
You go to a Sunday meeting and meet a new guy named Mike. After the meeting, you’re talking to Mike and your sober friend Biff comes up. You all start talking together and exchange numbers.
The next week, you go to the same meeting and the same thing happens. You, Mike and Biff all catch up, and Mike says he’s got two weeks sober and struggling a little bit, but he says overall, he’s doing pretty well.
That week, you talk to Mike on the phone and he seems to still be doing okay. He says he is getting to a different meeting on Sunday this upcoming weekend because of a scheduling conflict, so he won’t see you there.
That weekend, you go to the meeting and Biff is there. But no Mike. Afterward, you and Biff are talking and he says, “I was hoping Mike would be there. Have you talked to him? How’s he doing?”
Now here is the question: What do you say in this situation? Is it gossip to say that you talked to Mike during the week?
My first thought is, that’s not gossip. That’s genuine concern over a new mutual friend trying to stay sober. I think I’d say, “I talked to him this week. He sounded pretty good. He said he was going to another meeting.”
But think about it a little more. What if Mike doesn’t really love Biff’s message at meetings? What if he is cordial after meetings and likes Biff, but doesn’t want him close to his sobriety? What if he has decided that he doesn’t really need Biff in his business, but he does trust you? Aren’t you pulling Biff into Mike’s sobriety more than he would like? I think the answer is yes, but that is actually a pretty harmless example.
But think about a slightly different version of that scenario. Let’s say Mike called you during the week and said he relapsed and is struggling, but he’s getting to a different meeting on Sunday. Is it gossip to pass along that Mike relapsed? Or anything from that conversation?
That’s a tougher one. The thing to remember is that in a real-life version of this story, I’m friends with Biff. We go back a long way. Telling him, “That’s none of your business” sounds good in theory, but he’s a real person, so it can be a little socially awkward to hit someone with that.
I think I would end saying something like, “I did talk to him. You should give him a call. That’s his story to tell.”
You can probably see what I am wrestling with. What exactly constitutes gossip? What if the best thing for Mike might be that other people are concerned about him and trying to connect with him, even if he’s not the most outgoing guy?
For me, I guess the ultimate answer comes down to erring on the side of the spiritual foundation of 12-step recovery: anonymity. I’d rather be too secretive about somebody than not secretive enough, because in my head, sharing too much is generally more harmful than not sharing enough. I’ve never gotten into a pickle or two in recovery or at work because I didn’t gossip about a coworker. But I have had quite a few situations where I think, “Holy shit, I should have just shut my freaking mouth.”
I have had a few more obvious scenarios pop up, though I wouldn’t say they were easy. A few weeks ago, a sober friend said, “Man, there is some WILD stuff happening here in our sober community.” My first thought was, “Oooh, tell me more!” But my second thought was, “As badly as I would like to know what you’re talking about, I have no business knowing about it. And really, what good would it do me to know about it?” I was pretty proud of myself that I didn’t ask about it and said I didn’t need to know.
That’s the key question for me—when I get involved in a conversation about somebody else who is not standing right there, what is my motive? Is it genuine concern? Or is it a strong desire to know stuff, to judge and to possibly have juicy information to pass along to the next person?
That’s a big question to wrestle with. Why do humans gossip at all? The truth is probably pretty complex, dating back to when cavemen and cavewomen started to form societies and the exchange of information helped bond and unite. But in 2025, we’re not exactly obsessed with where the wooly mammoths have been hiding out. My motives are usually just that I want to know because it makes me feel important. People who know a lot of gossip tend to have social cache—think back to being at an event and somebody says, “Did you hear what happened with Ted and Heather at last year’s work retreat?” If you hadn’t heard what happened with Ted and Heather at the work retreat, you sure would like to know, right? Which elevates the dipshit passing along what happened. (By the way, in case you were wondering, Ted and Heather made out at the work retreat when they were both really drunk. But then Heather accidentally called Ted by a different guy’s name, and Ted started crying. So Heather said, “Do you want to make out some more, Ted?” And he said yes, and they kept making out. Craig from accounting took a picture of them tonguing the living shit out of each other, but then both Ted and Heather laid their heads down on the table and fell asleep. The next morning, they both laughed and said they didn’t remember it. Thank God Craig had that photo that he texted to everybody!)
The most common form of gossip that I encounter in recovery is, “Hey, was Mike at the meeting on Sunday?” I try to be fair to both sides in that situation. If Mike was at the meeting, I usually end up saying, “Yeah, he was. You should give him a call and say hello.” People usually don’t dig any further. I do think that question is harder than it sounds. On one hand, a friend asking about another guy usually comes from a place of genuine concern, so shutting down that conversation can be pretty awkward, and I do think about how much I needed people checking on me when I first got sober.
On the other hand, by strict definition of gossip and anonymity, saying someone was at a meeting is a clear violation. If you weren’t at the meeting, then it’s none of your business by letter of the law. Anything you shared at the meeting should stay there, including your attendance. And I absolutely think saying anything like, “Yeah, I saw Jane on Tuesday and she said she was really struggling” should probably be avoided.
So what do you do about gossip? It’s something that comes up every single day, multiple times, for me. And it certainly comes up in the recovery community. Here’s my multiple-part answer, which is certainly not something that I have gotten an A+ grade on over the years.
First of all, don’t start any gossip about a specific person, and don’t add to it. I have found it can be tough to be the high-and-mighty asswipe who firebombs a conversation with moral superiority any time somebody else says, “So I heard that Steve might be leaving the company next week…” and I jump in and say, “That’s not appropriate conversation. I refuse to participate.” I usually just try to not contribute anything and perhaps steer the conversation toward something else.
Secondly, always think about your motive. Is it 100 percent, genuine concern? Is it 40 percent concern, 60 percent curiosity? Or is it coming from an even worse place? Sometimes I catch myself talking about work stuff or situations in my neighborhood where it’s more passing along news or asking about news. I’ve said, “What’s going on with that empty house at the end of the block?” out of interest and curiosity, with no real need for the information but also no ill intent. I ask a lot of questions about what’s going on at my workplace, and some of that probably qualifies as gossip but it’s rarely anything personal. I do like to know what’s going on because it helps me at my job. Do I manipulate that in my head sometimes to justify wanting to know gossip? Other than pretty much every single day… never! I would never do such a thing!
The last thing that comes to mind about gossip is a metaphor I heard once, which is that participating in gossip is a little like going up to the roof of a building with an old-school feather pillow and cutting open the pillow and shaking it out. The feathers fly everywhere, in unpredictable ways, and they can never be put back in the pillowcase. They’re gone out into the world in all different directions, just like gossip can ricochet around and hurt people you’d never expect, including yourself. We’ve all probably been busted sharing something that we shouldn’t have and felt embarrassment and shame and cold sweats. It’s not fun, and I want to avoid that at all costs.
But I did hear some wild shit about Biff, if you’re interested…
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
HEARD AT MEETINGS: “Drinking didn’t drown my problems, it irrigated them.”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, April 2001, Dick L. from New Westminster, British Columbia)
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