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Over the years, I’ve heard many people share a similar conversation that they had when they were first trying to get sober. I didn’t have this exact scenario, but I know the thought pattern that they’re describing.
The conversation goes something like this. A newcomer voices concern over the idea of blowing up the life they’re living, of telling all their close friends and family that they’re an alcoholic or addict, of having to take a leave from their job, of not being able to sleep… basically, so many of us active alcoholics live messy, chaotic, dangerous lives that ultimately bring us great misery.
But it’s our misery. And if you’re not dead or in jail, it’s a life that you have managed to lead for a long time. To disrupt that and take away the biggest crutch we’ve ever known is terrifying. Absolutely terrifying.
If you’re not an alcoholic and you’re reading this and not understanding what I mean, I bet there have been situations in your life where you needed to make a change but were scared to go for it. For instance, have you ever had a bad relationship you wanted out of but were worried about what life would look like without that person? Or just scared about how to even tell that person? Ever had a job you really wanted to leave but don’t have the guts to pull the trigger on because the job is bad but the uncertainty of leaving is even more scary?
I bet most people have had some kind of scenario in life where the current situation is tough, but making a change and entering into the unknown feels like it might be worse. So we stay put. That’s how I thought for a long time as an active alcoholic, but ultimately life got so bad that I had no choice.
So now let me go back to that conversation of explaining to a sober person the trepidation of trying to get sober and what lays on the other side. Several of these conversations that I’ve heard of end up with the sober person saying some form of, What exactly are you giving up?
There are a bunch of obvious tangible answers. First of all, no more overdoses, DUIs and stealing from your friends. Secondly, you probably will have more money than you have had in years. Thirdly, much less puking at your Uncle Jim Bob’s Thanksgiving dinner. Fourthly, you’ll probably remember where your car is parked every morning.
But then there are the things that really matter. No more putting your head down on the pillow feeling like a liar. No more telling yourself you’ll stop tomorrow, then feeling like a complete failure when you grab that first drink. No more ruined friendships or romantic relationships (well, hopefully—plenty of us have butchered relationships in sobriety by bad behavior, but sobriety gives you a better chance than drinking 20 beers every day).
There are also a bunch of myths we all convince ourselves of. One friend of mine told his sponsor that he was going to miss the parties, the rowdy golf outings with friends, the dates with new potential girlfriends, watching the Super Bowl with buddies and beer…. his sponsor interrupted him and went through that whole list with the guy. Turns out, none of that stuff had been happening during the end of his drinking. There were no dates. No golf outings. No awesome Super Bowl parties. Those were things of the distant past, and they weren’t going to happen ever again because of the way that we drink—alone, too much and too rowdy. Those were memories of a decade or two earlier, when drinking hadn’t yet become a problem.
So I will leave you with a question. If you’re thinking about sobriety or new to it, what are you REALLY giving up by trying for a life of recovery? And if you don’t have a problem with drinking and drugging, is there an issue in your life that you really need to address but haven’t yet because you’re too terrified of what life will be without it?
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
A sponsor and prospective sponsee meet to talk for the first time. After describing his many bouts with the bottle, the would-be sponsee finally asks, “So, what do you think?”
“I think you’re going to go far in this Fellowship,” the sponsor says.
“Wow!” his young charge replies. “Why do you think that?”
“Because you have such a long way to go,” the sponsor says.
(Credit: AA Grapevine, February 2001, Bob M. from Bellingham, Massachusetts)
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