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I have a hot take that has been coming up a lot recently for me: I think we use the word “perfectionist” too much. And that includes me.
I think many people say “I’m a perfectionist” as if it’s a medical diagnosis, and they’re using it in a way where they can chalk up their behavior to something that can’t turn off.
But are any of us truly that level of perfectionist? Or are lots of us, me included, applying it whenever and wherever we feel like it?
I was at a meeting recently and that concept came up in a very helpful way. Perfectionism pops up a surprising number of times in the sobriety community, because I do think many of us have issues with seeking out a world that is exactly as we want it. Quite a few people chimed in with comments about their own experiences with perfectionism.
My issue with that word is that I often catch myself being full of shit. In my head, a true perfectionist strives to do everything at a very high level, to the point where it becomes problematic. With me, I’d be lazy about lots of things and a perfectionist about certain other things.
At the meeting the other day, a guy shared that perfectionism is a more profound term to him than just getting stuck on a work project or being anal about your garden at home. He said that when he catches himself using it, he’s sometimes trying to blame his DNA for something that is actually just him being an asshole.
I identify with that. When I have told a coworker that I don’t like a workplace project’s direction because I am a perfectionist, that’s not usually true—it’s more that I picked out one project that was very important to me and disagreed with whatever was happening with it. And yet there would be 10 other projects where I was not demanding perfectionism on them. So is that perfectionism? Or is that just me insisting on my way whenever I feel like it?
I think it’s the latter. And I think it’s important because I do believe sometimes I lean on the idea of being a perfectionist as a code word for “This is what I want and it’s not happening the way I want it.” And that’s not perfectionism—that’s just asshole-ism.
Going forward, I am going to be very careful when I try applying that word in my life. I think I might have been using that word as a way to cover up a serious amount of bullshit. So from now on, I am going to be a perfectionist about the use of the word perfectionist.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
OVERHEARD IN A BAR:
“My mother lived to be 98 and never needed glasses.”
“She reached 98 and never needed glasses?”
“Nope. She drank right out of the bottle.”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, May 2001, Frank C. from Bronxville, New York)
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